


Come Rain Come Shine

by fallenfairytale



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Extremis Tony Stark, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Self-Harm, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 20:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenfairytale/pseuds/fallenfairytale
Summary: Steve did not know what to do. "Tony!" He tried again. But his eyes remained closed. It was as if his worst nightmare had come true. Yes, he and Stark often disagreed, with lots of things. Which led to disputes, but he was still Tony. Peppers Tony, he remembered. But a voice in his head whispered, "I wish he was my Tony."—TRIGGER WARNING graphic self-harm!!!





	Come Rain Come Shine

**Author's Note:**

> *crawling out of the corner*  
> sooo, this is my first stony and mcu fanfiction ever.. it's not even a real fanfiction (yet) it's just something I started writing while I was pretty bored in class and well, didn't felt that good.. so yeah, that's how this little thing got born. I'm not sure if I should even continue. If yes, then I have a lot planned. But well yeah, just tell me what you think :)
> 
> Again, here's a TRIGGER WARNING for graphic self harming..
> 
> Oh and by the way, my first language isn't English, it's German. So if there are any mistakes, I'm so sorry!!!  
> 

* * *

_**Broken legs but I chase perfection** _   
_**These walls are my blank expression** _   
_**My mind is a home I'm trapped in** _   
_**And it's lonely inside this mansion.** _

**NF - Mansion**

* * *

As so often lately, Tony once again sat in his workshop working on one of his suits. The attack on Manhattan was a few months back. But while his other teammates obviously kept on living their lives, Tony's broke into a thousand pieces. He could not sleep, could not eat. Every minute his thoughts hung on what had happened and what would happen. And when the rare case arrived that he found peace to sleep, he woke up a few minutes later, covered in his own sweat. He has not slept in a bed with Pepper for weeks. He did not want her to see how bad he has gotten. And besides that, Pepper was rarely home anymore. Being the CEO of SI came with lots of traveling. But he was okay with it. He really was. So, he spent most of the time down in the shop, sleeping on the little sofa, if he slept at all. His thoughts never left him alone. He no longer lived in the here and now, he lived in the past. With all the thoughts of all the things he had done wrong in his life and whom he had disappointed. And if he did not think about his past, his thoughts wandered into the unknown future. What else would happen? With him, his new family? Tony would never admit it publicly, but the Avengers were his new family and he wanted to protect them at all costs. Just like Rhodey, Pepper and also Happy. But what could he do? The thoughts were buzzing in his head. He knew he was strong. Powerful. And he had done his part, fighting Loki. After all, he had been willing to sacrifice his life. But lately, there was that voice in his head that made him increasingly insecure, whether he was completely out of his mind. Tony spent every free minute with his work, hoping to somehow get rid of those thoughts. But it did not help as much as he had hoped. Pepper had already addressed him several times, to his current condition, but he kept the mask upright. He did not want help, and above all, no sympathy. It was just a phase that would soon pass. At least that's what he said to himself over and over again. "Fake it, til you make it," he always said. Tony isolated himself completely from the outside world. He did not go to any parties, no galas. Pepper rarely saw his face, same was for his teammates, which he had not seen for several weeks. Suddenly it was too silent in this big room.

"JARVIS, some music would be nice," the brown-haired mumbled. "Very much, Mr. Stark" Immediately loud rock music filled the cellar. Suddenly he paused. The air around him felt thin. It reminded him of the moment when he flew into space. Tony knew exactly what was happening. "JARVIS ..." he croaked, pressing his hand against his aching chest. His pulse quickened. His heart pumped loudly against his ribs. Tony tried to breathe deeply, but the panic grew more and more. He felt as if a stone were lying on his chest, pushing every breath out of his lungs. He was shaking all over. His legs dropped and he sank to the ground. It made him angry. "Damn it!" He shouted, running his hands through his brown hair. "Sir, shall I contact Mrs. Potts?" JARVIS asked cautiously. Tony shook his head. "Under no circumstance." Tony knew what he had to do. JARVIS also knew what would happen. It was always the same process. "It's time to say good night, JARVIS," Tony said, digging between his instruments. "Mr. Stark. I really advise you that it could'- 'but before JARVIS could finish his sentence, Tony mumbled something about switching off himself. Immediately he fell silent.

Tony had found what he had been looking for so wildly. He ran his fingers over the small, cold piece of metal that laid in his hands. He was aware that his behaviour was fundamentally wrong. And yet he could not stop it. It started a few days after the attack. No, actually he started doing it in his childhood. But after a few months in therapy he had stopped. It had begun again after Afghanistan. Until now. Sometimes more sometimes less. It made him feel that what he was feeling was real. Tony was not used to the mental pain. He could do something against the physical. But the mental pain? On the other hand, no analgesics helped and in rare cases, also no alcohol. There was no cure what made it bearable. So, he inflicted this pain himself. He was able to treat these physical wounds, in contrast to the mental ones. Slowly he leaned against the wall, still sitting on the floor. The cool piece of metal between his fingers. He rolled up his arm and for a moment, stared in disgust at the still reddish scars. It would take some time for them to fade. However, they would never disappear completely. Tony closed his eyes and put the metal in a spot where there were no scars left. The small, silver piece of metal cut his skin. Immediately the red liquid ran over his arm, dripping on the floor. But Tony did not even flinch. It was like he did not feel any pain at all. He felt numb.

The last few weeks, he thought about how easy it would be to just end everything. He would not feel that loneliness that was slowly eating him from the inside out. Even though he had Pepper, he felt lonely. It was a feeling, that was oh so familiar to him. When he was a kid, there wasn’t a day in which he didn’t feel alone. His parents didn’t care about him, not much. It was Jarvis who had read him goodnight stories. Jarvis who held him, when he was sick. It was always him, but then he died. And his parents died. And Pepper? Pepper was here. But still, so far away from him. She couldn’t reach him. He felt like he was a child again. All alone in this big world. And suddenly, he just longed for someone to hold him. For someone, who would put his strong arms around his broken body. Someone who was familiar with the feeling of being lost. Tony closed his eyes. His mind started to imagine how it would feel like, to have someone. He didn’t know why or how, but suddenly he saw a pair of blue eyes and blonde hair in front of him. He snapped away. “Steve? “, he whispered. But he was alone. No one would save him. Not this time.

He would not feel that permanent fear that haunted him every day. Tony could and didn’t want to keep fighting anymore. He had been fighting all his life. Against his parents. Against his alcohol and drug addiction. Against his friends. What was the point? The dark haired one saw absolutely no point at all. He did not care. Because the truth was, he was broken, shattered into pieces. And he could not be repaired. He could renew his suits, repair them when they stopped working. But Tony was not made of metal, even though many believed it. He was just a human. And he could not be repaired.

The billionaire was never good at expressing his feelings openly. He always wanted to be the strong one and hid his fear and true thoughts behind his humour and sarcasm. He was a professional in suppressing his feelings. Until this moment. Once again, he thought about everything he had failed to do and would never succeed. Everything he had lost and would lose in the future. The fear gnawed at him and he allowed it, he had no strength left to fight it. Hot tears ran down his cheeks, but he did not care, not anymore. Nobody was here who could see him. See him, being weak. “ _Stop crying!”_ , he heard the voice from his father in his mind. _“You’re a Stark man! So, act like one!”_ He was eleven years old when Howard found him crying. Again, he put the cool piece of metal on his arm. Tony was in a kind of trance; he did not think about his actions anymore. As before, the blood ran down his arm, but it did not stop and did not get any less. Tony lowered his eyes and stared at the open wound, from which the red liquid spilled out. It was comforting. But he was not afraid or regretted it. He felt dizzy and exhausted. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep, in the hope that he would never open them again. Tony felt so drained, so empty. He kept his eyes lowered, waiting for the liberating sensation of unconsciousness. A loud shatter though, let him look up. But his vision was blurry, from the many tears and the blood he had already lost.

"Tony!" He heard someone calling his name. No, not someone, it was Steve. But Tony was already too far away gone to respond to him, or to even think about what Cap was doing here. His eyes closed slowly and he only heard the sound of glass shattering on the floor.

* * *

His eyes turned to the huge building that rose in front of him. He did not want to come here. He did not even know how he had been persuaded to look for the arrogant billionaire. The blond ran his hands through his hair and sighed loudly. A few days ago, the Avengers had met again, on Fury's orders, to discuss further action. Even Thor appeared at this meeting. However, who did not appear was Tony. They had tried to reach him several times, but without success. Even his partner Pepper, had not persuaded him to contact his team colleagues. So, they have come to the decision that someone should go and kick the brown-haired in the butt, to remind him once again that they were a team. Unfortunately, Steve had lost and now it was his job to talk to Stark. He already saw how it would completely run out of control. From the beginning, after their first meeting, there was this tension between the two. They never agreed, and every conversation ended in a shouting and a subsequent argument. And despite all that, he was here now. The thing was; Steve would never admit it, but something deep inside him was worried about the billionaire. Was it because of the dreams that have been haunting him lately? Dreams in which Tony Stark did not wake up after sacrificing his life for New York. The thought alone left Steve shivering. He did not know what he should think about Stark, did not know what he really thought about him. He didn’t know what he was even allowed to think. Steve grew up in such a different world. Sometimes, he still didn’t know what was right and what wrong. The only thing he was sure of, was the tightness in his chest at the thought of never seeing those brown eyes again.

The blonde made his way through the big tower. But the billionaire was nowhere to be seen. Pepper also seemed to be beyond reach. He sauntered through the rooms, surprised to find how clean everything was. It seemed like nobody was living here at all. There was no sign of life anywhere. Suddenly the dull roar of music came into his ears. Of course. He was probably lost in his work again. "JARVIS?" The blonde shouted. Surprisingly, however, Tony's loyal friend did not answer. _Weird_ , thought Steve. With slow steps he moved to one of the many elevators. After the attack on New York, Stark had his tower appointed to the Avengers headquarters and the individual team members made available to live here. But no one had accepted his offer. Steve sighed. The elevator began to move and drove down a few floors. As the elevator door opened, the blonde faced an icy breeze and the music boomed loud in his ears. "Stark?" Steve shouted. But nobody answered him. He knew that Tony did not like being disturbed when he was working, but he had no choice, did he? He made big steps toward the large glass door. However, it didn’t move. "Stark!" Steve shouted again, louder than before. But again, he received no answer. The blonde stepped closer to the glass and tried to see what was going on there. And then he saw the mechanic's brown head. With his eyes closed, he leaned against the wall as a pool of blood formed around him. "Tony!" Steve shouted. The panic in his voice was obvious. He shook the door, but it did not open. Without further thinking about his actions, the blonde took a few steps back and jumped with full force against the glass. Immediately it shattered all around him. But Steve only had eyes for the man with those brown eyes. Steve sank to the ground and immediately pressed his hand to his forearm. "Damn it, Stark!" He said furiously, but with concern. "JARVIS!" The captain shouted, repeating the words "help" and "emergency" over and over again. Immediately JARVIS activated its emergency program. "Medical care is on the way."

Steve did not know what to do. "Tony!" He tried again. But his eyes remained closed. It was as if his worst nightmare had come true. Yes, he and Stark often disagreed, which led to disputes, but he was still Tony. _Peppers Tony_ , he remembered. But a second voice in his head whispered, _"I wish he was my Tony."_


End file.
